Fired, Failing and Fresh Starts?

As I sit here trembling, slightly nauseous from my first ever firing in over 30 years of employment , I can’t help but feel guilty about the trail of events that got me in this place, and knowing that it all really went wrong decades ago. My guilt? Not following my dreams.

In my always strong-mind and eagerness to leave home, I graduated early at 17 and headed off to college. I was originally a drama major on a whim, courtesy of a one-year Officers’ Wives Scholarship, due to my military brat and high school drama club history.  When the scholarship ran out and I refused to give up my new found freedom, I spontaneously fled to the only interest I’ve maintained throughout my life – writing. I became a Journalism major, got a 3-year Army ROTC scholarship and graduated with an emphasis in Public Relations, knowing that I would be commissioned as an Army Aviator and subsequently never really use my journalism skills again, although it has and always will be my first love.

Fast forward twenty years and I’ve had a long career in the military with Army Aviation and now Air Force Reserves, neither of which I ever planned to be in my wildest dreams. I’ve done all kinds of wild and respectable things in my career (and some not so respectable), but none of which ever really felt like ME. While I have the highest respect for our military members and the armed services as a whole, I feel I’ve always been a fish out of water and have known that I’ve never really followed my passion in life. For that, I carry tremendous guilt. Instead, I followed the money.

However, you cannot do truly well in that which you truly do not love. What I love most is being a mother and advancing the motivation and direction of others who aren’t blessed with my same strength and perseverance. To be completely honest, I have been unhappy in my career path for quite some time, yet have felt powerless to change its course, or perhaps too naïve to know how to apply my strengths elsewhere. With a husband, four kids, a mortgage, an RV and a long list of obligations to my name, it has always felt safer to absorb the misery and provide the income necessary to maintain the life I’m accustomed to enjoy.  For this, I feel tremendously guilty and as if I have failed my family. How do you change direction so far down life’s road?

In reality, I am completely passionate about helping others, writing, communications and the public relations field.  Alas, having a 20+ year old degree and no real job experience in that area does not put you at the top of the hiring field. I am simply the 20+ year military veteran with a security clearance that is either over qualified for another job, or too inexperienced for the areas in which I would passionately love to work.

Still, I do believe that passion is what should and does drive all that is good in this world. I lost a very good friend to suicide in 2010 that I never could convince of his worth, despite what the world dictated he should be. He never seemed to grasp the tremendous worth in pursuing your dreams, no matter where they might lead. The world always seems to have a way of ripping away desires and replacing them with artificial ideas of what you SHOULD be. I always admired him for not caving to the pressure of what you should be and being simply what he was – which was beautiful.  In the end, the pressure won over his worldly battle and it breaks my heart to this day. But even now, I carry the guilt of still being here and carrying on the façade, though I know I’ve never had the courage to pursue my dreams in the way that he did.

I am truly sad today, but not in the loss of my job.  I am sad over the loss of confidence in myself, the obligation to my family, and that fact that I never had the courage to go where I was intended to be many years ago. Maybe this is my chance? I will bounce back, but not before I have soundly learned a valuable lesson for my kids. For the love of God and self, ALWAYS follow your dreams. Do not settle for what anyone else thinks you should be, rather boldly and proudly represent all that you are inside.  ALWAYS.