The Water Boy's Farewell

Flight School, 1994

Tomorrow is my last day in a military uniform.

Strangely, it all really started with a green hat in 1994. Not the camouflage type I'd worn for most of my childhood and college days, but rather a bold, solid green hat adorned with beautiful, fresh white wings and a shiny gold bar that beamed with excitement and possibility. I was commissioned into the US Army in 1993 and soon sent to flight school at Fort Rucker, Alabama where I would become an aviator and go on to spend a few adventurous years flying the UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter. Those days were fun, speckled with angst, yet full of youthful bravery and determination.

Commissioning day at UGA.
August 20, 1993

Those days also almost never happened since I had been a drama major my first year of college and actually had my heart set on becoming an actress. However, as I quickly ran out of the small pot of scholarship money I'd earned, I ended up scrambling for Plan B. You see, my parents couldn't afford for me to stay at the University of Georgia and informed me I'd have to come home to finish school in North Carolina, where my father was currently stationed. Having had a full year's taste of freedom on my own, I was absolutely desperate to avoid this fate. As a result, I fell back on the only thing I'd known my entire life, which was the US Army. I'd grown up an Army brat and for probably the first ten years of my life didn't realize that there actually was any other profession in the world. I applied for and was promptly awarded an Army ROTC scholarship and thus began my 24-year military journey.

Learning to fly on a UH-1 Huey
Fort Rucker, AL

While I started out with vastly different goals for my military career, my life changed dramatically in 2000 when my son was born. I knew then that my focus would never be the same. I struggled daily with the decision to remain on active duty but was further challenged after my daughter was born on September 5, 2001. Six days later, as I was released from the hospital and adjusting to caring for two young children, I watched the twin towers fall. After working through the horrific grief of that day, it became painfully obvious that if I remained on active duty as a helicopter pilot, I would soon be asked to leave my children and go to war. This was not something for which I had planned when I accepted my commission. Back then, I was convinced I would never have children and was prepared to fight whenever or wherever I was needed. But, as life tends to throw you curves, somewhere along the way that plan veered dramatically off course. After giving birth, I no longer felt like the warrior I'd planned to be. I felt far more like a mother and that single responsibility instantly defined me more than any other aspect of my past. I wanted to be with my children above any and all other things.

The choice I made on that day is a pivotal part of my service that continues to define me and sometimes challenges the way in which I see myself to this day. While the nation rightfully admires the hordes of Americans who were running to join the service at that time and fight for our country, I was actually running for the door. Some would say I contradict the nature of selfless service but I've always seen it as a different kind of selflessness -- the kind that chose to care for my children first. I have the utmost respect for women who've painfully served apart from their children, but that choice was not one that I was ever personally able or willing to make. Perhaps that's my own way of defending my cowardice, but if you asked me if I'd make that same choice again, I would tell you that I would. Every. Single. Time.

My true passion -- these three babies

After my daughter was born, I transitioned into the Army National Guard, had my younger son, and spent several subsequent years teaching and commanding at the Georgia and later, Colorado Army National Guard Officer Candidate School. I've continued to change so much from the young college student pinning on second lieutenant bars to the seasoned mother of three occasionally sporting a glistening silver leaf. I've changed homesteads, husbands and even my branch of service along the way. I stopped wearing Army green in 2008 and proudly adopted the Air Force blue when I transitioned again into the Air Force Reserve. Somewhere along the way I jumped out of airplanes, fought fires from the air, jammed satellites and even helped redesign Santa's annual route! I raised my children, climbed mountains, taught soldiers and airmen, honed my strategy and planning skills, all the while watching so many of my friends and family march to war. Some of those brave service members lost their friends, some lost their spouses, and some even lost their own lives. From the sidelines, I watched intently and cried for them all. So you see, when someone thanks me for my service, it always makes me cringe. It feels a bit like congratulating the water boy for the Superbowl victory.

Based on my choices, I've never felt like a true military hero, because quite frankly, I am not. I know what those heroes are like because I've had the honor of standing beside so many over the last 24 years. I am incredibly humbled by their service and thankful to have carried the water while they carried the ball to victory. The credit goes to those warriors who bravely represent our country and taught me about commitment, compassion, determination and leadership. I am proud of my team. My success is possible due to the coattails of so many amazing leaders and role models that I've had along the way. There is a long list of officers and an even longer list of senior NCOs who have shaped my life and made me not only a better officer, but a better person as a whole. They were firm and demanding, yet patient and somehow confident in my abilities on days when I most definitely failed. It is those lessons I will cherish and remember as I continue on my journey, and lessons I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. I could not be prouder to have been in their midst.

Grand Marshall of the 2017 Veteran's Day Parade

My retirement will be quiet and uneventful, much like the years I spent in both green and blue. It will be spent surrounded with family and friends and less of a celebration about anything that I've accomplished rather than a chance to express my tremendous gratitude for those who've been there along the way, touched my life for the better, and taught me lessons for which I'll never be able to repay. I will not wear the uniform again, but I take with me everything that it poured into my soul. Thanks to all of you and may we all find that purpose and meaning in our lives that propels us forward and leads us on the path to fulfillment.