Open Letter from a Step-mother

I get that you hate me. I understand that I represent a solid end to your relationship with my husband and a happy new marriage is probably light years away from the ass-kicking dose of karma you still dream he will receive. However, you should know that I wasn’t a part of your relationship or its subsequent failure and therefore I am not an appropriate target for your hate.

I get that you hate me raising your child. Having children of my own, I fully understand the way it might turn your stomach to see pictures of our new family smiling and enjoying outings of which you are no longer a part. I, too, understand the unimaginable pain of watching your child leave your home for many days or weeks at a time to visit the other parent. I am keenly aware of the tremendous hole it leaves and the way your heart aches when just want to hear your child’s voice and wrap your arms around them, but cannot. You probably resent that I have that option at times when you do not, but remember that that was not my choice. We all walk paths based on the choices we have made. While I have accepted mine and the pain it sometimes brings, you will also need to accept yours. You may not have chosen to end your marriage, but a failed marriage is generally the result of a long series of choices on both sides. Yours most definitely got you where you are today, as did mine. Trust me when I say that the hate and vengeance you harbor from this experience will never bring you peace and will never allow you to heal. 

On a hike with my stepson

Rather than perpetuate another adversary in your life, you should know that if you only chose to respect my role and the positive contributions I make, things could greatly improve for everyone, and most importantly, for your child. When you deliberately insult or ignore my role, you turn your child against me and subsequently deepen the animosity my husband feels for you. You may feel a fleeting victory in your rudeness to me, but remember that my husband loves me and all you really succeed in doing is ensuring that he continues the vicious cycle of responding to you in the same rude and unproductive manner. This will never work in your favor and will never cultivate the co-parenting relationship you need to have with my husband in order to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child.

When you force your child to pick maternal loyalty, it places your child in the middle and even though your child will always choose you, it most certainly does not make you a winner in that sick game of tug-of-war. In fact, no one wins that game and only the child becomes the perpetual loser because you don’t give them permission to connect or bother to learn what I have to offer. Your child suffers because you don’t allow your child to learn resilience, compassion or empathy. You turn your child’s life into your own parental popularity contest with nothing to gain but a giant crown of hate to burden the unfortunate winner. By teaching and grooming your child to be a hateful pawn, you deny your child a valuable mentorship that could actually enhance their life far more than it could detract from yours.

By marginalizing or disrespecting my role, you also take away any reason for me to advocate on your behalf. Remember that I have my husband’s respect, his love and most importantly, his ear. There is no one better qualified or able to help your cause than me. Getting you an extra hour, day or even a week with your child is well within my persuasive ability. I can greatly influence his response to issues regarding child support, parenting time as well as any school or holiday events. I can choose to be your greatest ally or most formidable foe based on how you choose to treat me.

My hope is that one day you will see that our new family provides much of the stability and consistency for your child that your disintegrating marriage could never produce. I wish you could see that our marital happiness is not your cross to bear but rather a gift to your child because after all, this has never been about you.  Your child has much to learn by living in a loving, caring environment where partners respect each other and work together to achieve their goals. I wish you could see that without all three of us working together, your child is unlikely to heal or thrive. Your child will continue to walk the hateful and defiant path you cultivate and in the end, they will be the biggest loser of all.

I say these things not because I take pleasure in your flaws or your pain, and certainly not to beg for your cooperation. Your choices are always yours to make and your child will also have to learn to survive with your choices. However, I continually look back at the damage and wreckage in your wake perhaps for no other reason than to remember that if my own children should ever be lucky enough to have a step-mother, I will read this blog and smile. I know that she will be my friend because my kids don’t deserve that kind of conflict and most importantly, because I want them to grow up learning to choose love before hate.