I get that you hate me. I understand that I represent a solid
end to your relationship with my husband and a happy new marriage is probably
light years away from the ass-kicking dose of karma you still dream he will
receive. However, you should know that I wasn’t a part of your relationship or
its subsequent failure and therefore I am not an appropriate target for your
hate.
I get that you hate me raising your child. Having children
of my own, I fully understand the way it might turn your stomach to see
pictures of our new family smiling and enjoying outings of which you are no
longer a part. I, too, understand the unimaginable pain of watching your child
leave your home for many days or weeks at a time to visit the other parent. I am
keenly aware of the tremendous hole it leaves and the way your heart aches when
just want to hear your child’s voice and wrap your arms around them, but cannot.
You probably resent that I have that option at times when you do not, but
remember that that was not my choice. We all walk paths based on the choices we
have made. While I have accepted mine and the pain it sometimes brings, you
will also need to accept yours. You may not have chosen to end your marriage,
but a failed marriage is generally the result of a long series of choices on
both sides. Yours most definitely got you where you are today, as did mine. Trust
me when I say that the hate and vengeance you harbor from this experience will
never bring you peace and will never allow you to heal.
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| On a hike with my stepson |
Rather than perpetuate another adversary in your life, you
should know that if you only chose to respect my role and the positive contributions
I make, things could greatly improve for everyone, and most importantly, for your
child. When you deliberately insult or ignore my role, you turn your child
against me and subsequently deepen the animosity my husband feels for you. You
may feel a fleeting victory in your rudeness to me, but remember that my
husband loves me and all you really succeed in doing is ensuring that he
continues the vicious cycle of responding to you in the same rude and
unproductive manner. This will never work in your favor and will never
cultivate the co-parenting relationship you need to have with my husband in
order to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child.
When you force your child to pick maternal loyalty, it
places your child in the middle and even though your child will always choose
you, it most certainly does not make you a winner in that sick game of
tug-of-war. In fact, no one wins that game and only the child becomes the perpetual
loser because you don’t give them permission to connect or bother to learn what
I have to offer. Your child suffers because you don’t allow your child to learn
resilience, compassion or empathy. You turn your child’s life into your own parental
popularity contest with nothing to gain but a giant crown of hate to burden the
unfortunate winner. By teaching and grooming your child to be a hateful pawn, you
deny your child a valuable mentorship that could actually enhance their life
far more than it could detract from yours.
By marginalizing or disrespecting my role, you also take
away any reason for me to advocate on your behalf. Remember that I have my
husband’s respect, his love and most importantly, his ear. There is no one better
qualified or able to help your cause than me. Getting you an extra hour, day or
even a week with your child is well within my persuasive ability. I can greatly
influence his response to issues regarding child support, parenting time as
well as any school or holiday events. I can choose to be your greatest ally or most
formidable foe based on how you choose to treat me.
My hope is that one day you will see that our new family
provides much of the stability and consistency for your child that your disintegrating
marriage could never produce. I wish you could see that our marital happiness
is not your cross to bear but rather a gift to your child because after all,
this has never been about you. Your child has much to learn by living in a loving, caring environment where partners respect each other and work together to achieve their goals. I wish you could see that without all three of
us working together, your child is unlikely to heal or thrive. Your child will continue
to walk the hateful and defiant path you cultivate and in the end, they will be
the biggest loser of all.
I say these things not because I take pleasure in your flaws
or your pain, and certainly not to beg for your cooperation. Your choices are
always yours to make and your child will also have to learn to survive with your choices. However, I continually look back at the damage and
wreckage in your wake perhaps for no other reason than to remember that if my own
children should ever be lucky enough to have a step-mother, I will read this
blog and smile. I know that she will be my friend because my kids don’t deserve
that kind of conflict and most importantly, because I want them to grow up learning to
choose love before hate.
